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Have you ever been in a relationship for a long time only to discover that your goals and that of your partner are as far apart as day and night?
I know I’ve gone through this a couple of times. So many times, in fact, that I began to wonder what it is I saw in women that originally attracted me.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my experiences it’s to define the relationship as soon as possible. Don’t get me wrong – I never started by telling them what I expect on the first date.
However, as soon as it appears that we will be dating in the future, I let little hints (and some not so little) slip about as to what I expect in the relationship.
While this may seem harsh or premature, it’s the only thing that appears to work. This creates an atmosphere of avoiding misunderstandings in the future. In past relationships, when things didn’t work out I would often blame it on the fact that my partner had really changed.
It was really the observations from my close friends and family members that made me realize she hadn’t changed at all, but it was my expectations. Naturally, things she was doing all along in the relationship that didn’t’ bother me before – all of a suddenly became an annoyance.
You see, had I explained to her what I expected and what my goals were, we may have been able to decide what she needed to do to please me or on the another hand to determined that the relationship was not viable. Which leaves me to ask: Have you ever been in a relationship where you ask your partner what they would change about you if they could and they say nothing because you’re perfect just the way you are?
Hearing something like that makes us feel so special and causes you sometimes to think that you’ve met the man or woman of your dreams. Unfortunately, it’s seldom true. Unless you’re a clone of your partner, there is something about you that they’d like to drastically change. More often than not, what their answer really means is ‘let’s not go there’ putting forward answers like these to avoid a confrontation!
Another goal that should be openly discussed in the beginning of the relationship is where you’d like the relationship to go. If one of you is looking for a lifetime partner and the other is just passing the time, trust me, there’s going to be hurt feelings and issues. In the beginning of a relationship, both parties usually like to communicate. Take advantage of this time to make your goals known.
As fun as a person may be to spend time with, don’t waste your time on them if you’re looking for marriage and they’re not. Having children is another issue that needs to be brought out into the open – maybe not on the first date, but soon thereafter.
Having these conversations with your new beau can be somewhat uncomfortable, but they’re necessary to establish parameters and what type of goals you both have. I’m absolutely certain you’ll be glad you did – having taken the time realizing now that you’ve found your soul mate.
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